Its been another night of sleepless activity, erractic sleep patterns – an outcome of my health problem – Bipolar Disorder. My Bipolar disorder problem has challenged me over the last couple of years in many ways. Being someone who mostly looks at the positive side things – I have a decent list on how bipolar disorder has helped me understand life better. Will elaborate on the list sometime later but the main thing I have learnt from my health problem (apart from Empathy) is:
Overcoming the Fear of Death
You feel that you have reached a nirvana kind of state once you no longer fear death. Your attitude towards life changes. The thought that today might be your last day really changes the perspective with which you live your life. You begin to understand the POWER of NOW – living in the present, not let the past and future bother you.
You stop living someone else’s life and start doing things you like.
Last 3 years were mentally and physically very very tough for me. Experiencing a emotional roller coaster was a whole new ball game for me. Having had 2 major episodes of Depression, one full blown Mania in quick succession took a toll out of me. Now I have resorted to medicines and fortunately they seem to be working with an occasional question mark here and there.
I have screwed up lots of things in the process – burnt great relationships, hurt feelings and other crazy things. That I feel bad about and unfortunately sometimes guilty.
The worst part during the last 3 years was – the constant feeling of suicide (I could logically think of no reason to commit one 🙂 IITM, Berkeley grad, nice job in US!, loving family – the girl friend par was missing 😛 ). One part of the brain was parallely telling to kill myself (50% of the time during the entire 3 years timeline!) and another part constantly telling you suck it in and fight it out. The mental determination needed to fight yourself almost at a daily basis and yet showing a smiling face to the outside world needed lot of stamina.
I have been doing okay this year. Therapy, Medicines and a decent support system is keeping me going. Guess, Hanging on to the end of the thread has its benefits. 🙂
But I am still waiting for the passion to fire in me so that the life comes back to the smooth nature it was 3 to 4 years back before all this started! (Man those IIT days :D) Coming back to the focus of the post – I daily ask myself – do I enjoy what I am doing? Did I learn anything kewl today? Did I meet interesting people? If the answer is no for a week or so for all these questions I start thinking of changing my environment, otherwise I stop having fun and stress builds in my system and then my health gets affected.
Anyway, coming back to the title of the post – living life at the edge – has its own attitude. Some people see it as carefree, some look at my behaviour as arrogant some inspiring. Rajesh mentioned the book “Goal-Free Living” in his blog and thats when it occured – thats what I have been living lately. And Life seems some adventures and rewarding – the parameters for happier life have changed! Guess what I haven’t even defined Success in my current phase. 🙂 Right now the equation seems to be:
Being Happy + live with people I care = Success
Believe me, living with the attitude as Robert De Niro says in the movie HEAT –
“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything, you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat, if you feel the heat around the corner.”
What do ya say?